Using some of his most crafty political maneuvering, Senator Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination by creating a rouse for women around America having the film Sex and the City released while critical voting booth's were open. The plan worked. With an impressive $58 million at the box office (which comprised of 98% women and 2% gay men) proved to be costly for Senator Hillary Clinton who desperately needed votes to get back into contention. Most women,when asked were determined where their time was going to be spent. “I guess I should out supporting a woman and voting, but I just couldn’t wait another day to see this movie.” Said Cathy Peterson, a staunch Clinton supporter but a staunchier supporter of Carrie Bradshaw.“There will be another election, but there is only one opening weekend for Sex and the City." Obama said had the release of the Sex in the City planned for years. Mr. Obama said when he was thinking about running for President, he made relationships with Hollywood Executives and planned the movie release at the precise time he thought he would need to clinch the nomination.“I know one thing about women and one thing only.” Barack said during a speech. “Fucking women love that goddamn show.”

Becky and Timmy, along with a number three birth pick were traded from the Johnson family for St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, Albert Pujols. “We needed to concentrate on making this family stronger right now." Johnson family father, Ted, told Effinfunny Sports. “Becky and Timmy are both excellent children and will make great adults, but we are looking to become a better family now." Deborah Johnson, mother and Director of Children Personal was excited by the acquisition. “We really needed help in the garden, someone with a big appetite to help enjoy my dinners and someone to shore up trash duty. Albert is a strong guy who has a great green thumb. This deal makes sense for everyone" Pujols said through a translator he hopes the trade will provide a fresh start and looks forward to helping out the family during the big annual 4th of July Barbecue. 

Elmer Dinkley stood outside of the blinding white light of the afterlife. “They won’t let me in." Elmer stated. “They won’t let me in without my heart and liver." Mr. Dinkley was refused entrance into the afterlife after the giant orb told Dinkley that he needed all of his organs to enter into the light. “Elmer Theodore Dinkley, son of Margaret and William Dinkley, you must go on a journey and retrieve your heart and liver, then you will be granted entrance into ever existing life." Dinkley was perplexed about what to do next. “Man, I wish someone would have told me this before I died. I don’t know what to do now. It’s not like I can go back. Maybe that’s why there are ghosts. They’re just trying to get their shit back."

Boulder, Colorado. With chants from protesters of "Never again Of Mice and Men Kitty Killer" outside her home, Shauna O'Toole, a spunky 10 year old and her family have been notified by the Humane Society of Greater Boulder that they are never to own another kitten again. The reason, Shauna has been inadvertently crushing her pets when posing for family photos. "We just thought we had a string of faulty cats." Her father noted. "Shauna was so happy; I guess we just never noticed the shrieking from the kittens slowly being crushed on the side of her head." Young Shauna had run through about 10 cats before the Humane Society took notice. "Our computer database revealed the O'Toole's kept buying the same amount of food for one cat, even though they had like more 9 cats." Society Director Tito Stevens noted with a slow tear running down his cheek. "We went to their house to investigate and saw the lawn littered with dead carcasses, all with crushed skulls. We then took a look at their photo album. It was sadistic how that little girl smiled and laughed in every picture while you could clearly see those poor little kittens in agony." Boulder city council quickly approved 'Shauna's Law' which allows citizens to pick up to 2 cats per year, prior to a thorough background check. Young Shauna seems unfazed by the daily protests on their lawn. "I like kitties." She stated coldly, still holding a lifeless kitten while her father snapped another picture.

With accusations of Roger Clemens surfacing that he had an affair with country star, Mindy McCready, Clemens finally admitted during a press conference, to the affair to note he was disappointed McCready wasn’t more attractive. “Look at her. I’m Roger fucking Clemens.” He said incredulously.  “I’m a professional baseball player. I’m rich. I’m famous. I’m a God damn Hall of Famer. I could’ve gotten someone waaayyy hotter.  Look at that dildo Lance Armstrong.  That bitch ass pussy rides a bike, I think he’s only got one ball and he landed Cheryl Crow.  Fucking Dennis Rodman had Carmen Electra.” Clemens said that he had met McCready when she was fifteen years old and was banking on her becoming better looking with age. “You know the homely ones can turn a corner, but she is still going straight. I wish I was a better scout with shit like that.” Clemens said.  He then looked over at his wife and kids who were openly weeping at the time and then added. “My wife is better looking.  That defeats the whole purpose of having an affair, man.” Mrs. Clemens responded with more tears to which Roger requested his wife ‘tone it down’ because she was ‘embarrassing’.

With raising gas prices, Hummer drivers are now never far from a gas station. Hummer unveiled thier newest SUV called ‘The Unicron’ which will use smaller vehicles for fuel, instead of standard gasoline. “We at Hummer were looking for alternative fuels, but still want to be an obnoxious car company, so we decided that The Unicron would eat other cars and use their energy." Announced Hummer Chairman Lloyd Penser. The Unicron comes standard with a tractor beam and tentacles that will hold the car while a mouth filled with molten lava devours and melts down the captured vehicle. MPG depend on the vehicle caught. A smaller car, such as a Corolla or Civic will give the Hummer around 12 Miles Per Gallon, but something as big as a Toyota Landcruiser will give the Unicron a whopping 14 Miles Per Gallon.

When Jeff Sanford looked at pictures of his girlfriend’s best friend, he noticed a reoccurring theme, her mouth was open in every picture. “Unbelievable man, every damn picture and she had like a thousand with her.” Said Mr. Sanford. “Parties, weddings, vacations, I even saw some with her at a wake and she’s got that Girl’s Gone Wild mouth wide open look.” Jeff was forced to look at the pictures in attempt to bond with his girlfriend, Lindsay. After four photo albums, Jeff had developed a solid theory on Lindsay’s best friend, Tara. “It is like she is faking having a good time. It is like she is saying, ‘the wider I open my mouth, the more people will believe that I am having fun.’ Not me though, I see through that.” Research by the Royal Institute for Sincerity in Photographs (RISP) based out of Manchester, England concurred Jeff’s theories with actual research. “We studied and tested 100 people who had their mouth’s open in 60 percent or more in their pictures.” Lead research Dr. Nicolas Rosenberg noted. “Our research has shown that the wideness of the open mouth directly corresponds to the size of the hole in their soul.”

Despite Barack Obama’s advantage in delegate votes to win the Democratic bid for President, Oprah Winfey declared war on the United States.  Her forces of brooding housewives quickly took control of most of the Midwest, including major cities such as Chicago, St. Louis, Detroit and the majority of Pink Berry’s. “These chubby women just slaughtered everyone, man.” One witness who survived the Oprahkrieg said. “I don’t see how they can be stopped, they are angry and self riteous.”  After seizing control of supply routes, Oprah’s forces quickly cut off meat supplies to major portions of the United States, prompting waves of surrenders from tens of thousands of men.  With the majority of US forces overseas, Oprah’s elite squadof Book of the Month Club Special Operation Forces (BOMCSOF) easily overpowered policemen, mall security guards and teenage riff raff that stood in their way. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, had this to say: “While Oprah’s forces won the battle of the Midwest, she has not won the war.” Upon hearing the comments, Oprah ordered Gates dead. "Bring him in a box to me, my empowered women."

A vast array of pharmaceutical drugs have been found in the drinking water of nearly 41 million Americans, but none of them are really that good. Earlier in the day after hearing that the water was laced with drugs, joyous hippies took to the streets playing in opened fire hydrants, but walked home later on wet and disappointed feeling no affects from the water. “Aw man, this is a total drag.” Said one somewhat still dirty hippie. “I was drinking and playing in that water for like 4 hours and I don’t feel a thing, man.” Antibiotics, mood stabilizers and sex hormones were some of the drugs found in water supplies across the country. Unfortunately, none of those are able to sustain a good buzz. Many hippies took matters into their own hands, dumping bags of marijuana, tanks of nitrus oxide and amphetamines into local water reservoirs. “We should call it ‘love soup’, man.” One hippie commented to his friends who then laughed for 10 minutes straight.

Jesus Christ finally ended his relationship with Jim Coughlin over the weekend. “I just didn’t think it was working out.” Jesus said from a San Deigo Chi Chi’s Mexican restaurant, drinking Margaritas with his support group. “He claimed he loved me, but he used my name in vein so many times, it is hard to believe him.” Jesus’ friends whooped and hollered their support and love for Jesus and their disdain for Mr. Coughlin. “Jesus you are so awesome, you can do so much better than that jerk. Plus, all Jim would do would discount any miracle that you would do and you know what? That’s what makes Jesus, Jesus.” The group then toasted to Jesus and enjoyed the chips and salsa before leaving a crappy tip for the server. Newly dumped by his faith, Mr. Coughlin sat alone in his one bedroom apartment eating a out of a can of Ralph food’s Pork and Beans. “I’m shocked, I totally thought Jesus and I were good. He was totally my type of religious figure. I had accepted him into my heart and everything, what else does he want?” Mr. Coughlin also said that Jesus has changed his prayer line and just wants to get everything resolved before he moves on.